Sunday, May 21, 2017

Grief || Second year & counting

My brother posted a photo yesterday that got me thinking, so I decided to blog about all these thoughts. 
Its been 1 year, 2 months, 28 days since Feburary 24th, 2016.
I can't believe it. 

If you haven't read my first post on grief, you can find it here.

I remember in that hospital room thinking that I wish I could fast forward to this time right now because I didn't think my heart could take anymore. Now I'm here in the midst of the second year & I'm still standing. I have my days where I feel like I can accomplish anything & then there are days the tears just won't stop falling. I have been focusing on my health & fitness but I can't even escape grief there. I actually think it makes it worse in a good way. 
I'm running.
Its quiet.
Listening to worship music that makes me think about my own life. 
My mind starts going. I think about all the changes that have happened in my life in this short year.
 I think about how I will never hear my Dad's voice again & then it feels like someone punched me in my stomach.

 I talk with God the whole time,  I ask him why? 
I feel his presence and listen to him whisper it will be okay. 
I trust him, I move out of the corner where no one can see me cry & get up to begin again. 
Isn't that kind of what life is like? 
You get knocked down 100 times & get back up 101. 
Not all days are like this but the majority are. 
I feel like God is giving me these moments to really process all of these changes.

When we moved to WA in March, I found out I was pregnant. Excited, overjoyed, & scared were all my emotions. A couple weeks later I ended up loosing the baby. As horrible as it is, it struck up emotions with losing my Dad. Something I will never forget with my first miscarriage, I was sitting up in my room crying because I just found out I was loosing my baby. My Dad called me. We both were crying, it was actually the first time I've ever heard my Dad cry & he said "As a father I wish I could take your pain away. It breaks my heart that you have to go through this."
 It broke my heart that I would not get that phone call this time around. 
It physically hurt.

At the time I was angry, I felt like I just kept loosing. 
Lost my Dad, lost my Grandpa & now loosing my baby. I kept thinking God, why? 
After all I've been through, why? 
I stumbled across a devotion that felt like God was sitting at the table with me, having a cup of coffee  & telling me to listen. God never said I will not have problems in this world but he has overcome my problems. Here are a few points from my devotional that day. 
"Do not seek your heaven on earth." 
"Begin each day anticipating problems but pray that I may equip you for whatever difficulties you will encounter." 
"Discuss everything with me.  Remember that I am on your side, and I have overcome the world."

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand & says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." -Isaiah 41:13

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13

I was looking at life in all the wrong ways but I imagine through all these trials that my heavenly father says to us exactly what my Dad said to me, "As a father, I wish I could take your pain away. It breaks my heart that you have to go through this." It's not God's fault that troubles come into your life but he walks with you every step of the way, if you let him. It won't take the pain away, I will still have those hard days but at least I will have peace in knowing God will pick me back up when need be & guide me the rest of the way.

So as of right now, yes the second year is the hardest. It could also be all the changes I've experienced in a short time but the first year felt like I was just getting over the shock of it all. Now its the nitty gritty emotions that I can't just put aside but with God's help, he will get me through.

I'm slowly coming to grips that my heart & my life will never feel the same. I am not that same person I was before which in the bigger picture, I know it will be a good thing. I know they say eventually you will begin to be thankful for your journey through grief. I wish I could say 100% I'm there but I'm not. I will say that I have realized life is short. Each day I'm thinking there will never be a May 21st 2017 again, so if my son wants to stay up a little later & hang out because we are having a heart to heart, I won't ever pass those moments up & neither should you.
 I can't keep living day to day & not doing what God has called me to do.

What has God called you to do that made you step out in faith?

This blog is one of mine but I'm happy to be sharing my story in hopes that it touches someone else's life. 




  1. Corinne your words are so powerful and I feel so much more connected to you as friends after learning so much more about you. You have been going through so much but you are still such a shining light of hope to all! Keep doing you because you my friend are amazing!

    lots of hugs and kisses,

    1. Aww! Thank you so much for such sweet words & encouragement! Means so much to me! Happy Monday!

  2. Corrine,
    Your words are inspiring. Keep writing what God lays on your heart.
    Love you,