Thursday, October 18, 2018

You are so enough.

I have had a lot of people come up to me asking if I were still blogging and to be honest I really didn't think a lot of people cared to read my blog. I didn't feel good enough to keep up with it but time and time again God is showing me that my words have mattered to so many people in their life. I had no idea but isn't that funny we can go through life thinking what we say or do doesn't matter, but it takes God opening our eyes to see the reality of the impact it has on others lives. So here I am continuing my writing from the Silverdale, Washington in a Starbucks chair. I have been writing all along but keeping it private but I feel a tug that God is trying to tell me not to be private anymore. He wants me to speak out.

So I will start by saying this...

When Brent first came to me exactly two years ago this month, telling me he wanted to reenlist. I honestly could've slapped him. HAHA Seriously though, my Dad had just passed away in February, we moved in with my mom. I felt like everything I once knew was slowly being stripped away from me, so add a move across the country to that list. Yeah.. okay.

Oh man.

The struggle was real for that decision. I couldn't wrap my head around God wanting this for us. I fought it. I actually went to go see a christian therapist (no shame) for awhile because I was at my breaking point. I needed an outsider that I could talk through these big changes with. Can't believe I am here, I listened. I chose the hardest path but it was God's will and I obeyed. It was far from easy but so worth it.

 Many of you have asked and wondered how our move to Washington has been. Being that we are a year and a half in, I feel like I can answer now. The first year, I felt like I was in a daze most of the time, it honestly felt like I couldn't breathe. Big changes, like really big changes that were out of my control. I had a extremely hard time adjusting, despite what my facebook or instagram might have appeared. What makes me happy though is how well our boys have adapted to the Pacific Northwest living, they have made great friends. Friends that will constantly be moving away, (thanks military life) but thats just part of the gig.  I'm happy that they will be able to adapt to any situation and be forced to be outgoing to make friends.  Brent's schedule isn't ideal but I try to remind myself that it could always be worse.  He could be deployed where he is gone for months at a time. As for me, it has been nothing but eye opening. Eye opening in my faith, my relationships, my friendships, and motherhood. Also, eye opening in how hard moving away from family really is but I had to keep in mind, this isn't our will but Gods. I've fallen deeper into a relationship with him, my husband, and my kids. When you follow God's will for your life, he blesses it more than you could ever imagine. Here I am, I have seen more things in a year and a half then I have seen in my entire life. I have let God transform me from the inside out, even though he is far from done. I realized what it takes to actually walk with God. I am no where near perfect but that's okay.

That's the good side of it, like I said I'm a year and a half in now. Of course, these epiphany moments didn't come without some struggles first.

Back in April, I was sitting in a coffee shop with my boys. I was probably at my lowest with this move and these big changes. I had a man and his wife come up to me. (I'm even getting teary eyed just writing about this). They didn't know me, they didn't know that I was grieving a miscarriage that had just happened, and my Dad who had been gone a year now, or the fact that we just moved across country and I had no friends, or family around. They didn't know that I had been crying out to God that morning asking him if he was even there, doubting him. They walked up to me, introduced themselves and handed me a photo.

He said "God laid this on my heart this morning to take this photo and write on the back of it. I didn't know who I was going to give it to but walking in here I felt a nudge to give it to you." I took the photo, with big tears in my eyes and I couldn't really say anything except thank you. They have no idea what kind of impression they left on me that day but just from them listening to God's nudge, helped me through one of the darkest times in my life. I don't believe in signs or looking for signs, but I do believe that God uses people to get through to others. He probably was speaking to me that whole time but I chose not to listen and harden my heart.

One thing I have learned throughout this journey is let God's will in your life be done. Give him the control and the rest will follow. The feelings of not being good enough, feeling that God's love is earned is from the deepest darkest place in hell. We might not deserve the love that God freely gives if you call upon him.  Each and every one of us is enough. God makes us enough. So if you have big decisions ahead or big changes coming, I want to encourage you to listen to that soft spoken voice that is speaking to you. Go out and do what God has called you to do. Stand firm in your faith, know your worth, know that you have a God who loves you, that he will rescue you, and meet you where ever you are in your life.

Corinne Guynes